How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
