So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
