college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
