Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
