i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My penis needs a shock collar
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
