Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My feet surprised me
Randomize
