that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
