Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
