Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
