8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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