Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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