Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
