You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
