Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
