I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
