I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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