I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
