Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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