a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
