I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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