glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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