God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
