I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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