mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
