So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
