i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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