He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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