I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
