Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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