I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
