Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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