Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
