I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
