I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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