Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
