I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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