So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
