i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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