Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
