my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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