I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
