I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
