Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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