my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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