And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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