he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
