I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
