You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
