i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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