Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
