im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
